to be or not to be

i'm not sure what happen to me recently. i hope it's just because of the pms or maybe the life crisis that i think i am facing. i'm not sure... this feeling have been bugging me for quite some time and i hate it so much whenever i think bout it. it's not like i wanted to think bout it but it just appear out of nowhere and since then reside in me.

since a few month back, i loath to go to work. i hate to look at working desk and desk cos it's always so dirty and full with rubbish document. not that i don't want to do filing but each time after i've filled it, someone from somewhere will come and ask me bout the report, and all the bullshit thing. hello. u think i'm a computer or have superb memory power izzt?? i can't even remember what i eat yesterday and they expect me to tell them the content of the report which has been done few months back. fts.

i'm not sure which stupid idiot that arrange the schedule, and cramp all the things together and every single damn thing also urgent. wtf. if really that urgent, then do a proper planning for that. don't just pointing fingers at each other and torture the lower level people to follow the nonsense schedule. those "highly intelligent" superior, please use your rusty brain to plan properly. oh, really, i'm so sorry to hear that you misplace your brain at your arse. what a pity!!!

i just hate the culture there. i always though that i slowly can accept it but then fuck all this shit la. if you wanna be promoted, wait for your turn. cause all based on seniority. even that fellow join the company one day earlier than you but his performance shit like hell, he MUST be promoted first before you. and guess what, i have lots of "senior" in front of me. i don't have to comment more on this. i have been working so hard for the past few years. and all the credit goes to my superior. cos without them, i might not success. yes, i really appreciate all the effort they put to guide me to where i am now but why no one even try to acknowledge my presence? well, i'm just the lowest class employee.. i see... when something goes wrong, all the fingers pointing at me. "why you didn't notice that from the beginning?" hello mr boss, you suppose to guide me since im doing all those test for the first time. aren't you suppose to know better?

and the worst part is.. i have the most demanding, irritating, arrogant, man chauvinism and rude non-malaysian boss on earth. and he likes to fuck china girl. well known to all. he can have lots of ridiculous new rules. can you imagine that?? he threaten to cut our break time because we use the break time to chat while filling our stomach? wtf. this new stupid rules doesn't affect me much cos i don't take break. yes. i am very terrible person that don't have close friend in the office. i don't care either. the things that annoy me so much is, i can't chat with other people from department if he around. cos he will chase them away. he assume we talk nothing regarding business. fhl. just because he don't have friends he have to stop others to have one. fml. so, don't blame me if i don't appear to be friendly.

ok.. i think i have enough of rumbling about stupid people at the company.
what i wanted to say is.. i think can't stand this shit anymore. i have the urge to throw my resignation letter to that fucking face. i wanted to have a long break before deciding what am i going to do next. i dont want to enter the same field and doing the same old shit from the beginning. i have been thinking alot lately but i still can't find where my dream is. i hate this feeling of being nowhere to turn to or being push around like a puppet. sometimes, i feel like i know what i want, but then the other second, i doubted my decision. haih. what am i suppose to do??

i realised that i've change to someone that i don't know. i'm not the old person i used to be. i'm not as brave as i'm used to be. i don't even dare to point out the things that i'm not satisfy or say things that bottle in my heart. i only merely agree with what others say or do. i don't give a damn thing about what think or do already. why am i becoming someone who is anti-social?? why??

someone out there, please give me some hint??

(Playing the song of Reflection by Coco Lee - from Disney Mulan)